The Twelve Daze of Christmas (an Epiphany)

[Note: major computer connectivity problems continue. Look for intermittent to scattered blogography until further notice.]

Ghod replaces Oral Roberts (1918-2009) with his brother, Anal

While we are being protected from ‘Jihadists’ by the likes of anti-Buddhist scourge Brit Hume (asshole emeritus, Faux Nooz™)*, one cannot fail to be impressed at the fervor, nay, the religious zeal of our self-anointed machos-in-chief, who tout their elephantine testicles while simultaneously y0wling that the sky is falling and that we should fear beyond measure failed dorks who try to set their underwear on fire on commercial planes.

[* Sing:

My god's bigger than your god
my god's better than yours;
my god's bigger 'cause he eats Ken-L-Ration
my god's better than yours! ]

Yea, verily, we are in the twelfth day of post-Christmas pissing our pants over the Underwear Bomber™.**

[** "Ünterwear that's DOOM to wear."]

Jonathan Alter of Newsweek made an astonishing, telling, completely unnoticed (seemingly) statement of “fact” that reveals the mindset of many in Washington, and, of course, a large population of our insane asylums. He said this (from the thoughtfully provided transcript of the Jan. 5 MSNBC show):

MADDOW: Mr. Alter, it is good to see you. Thank you for coming in.

JONATHAN ALTER, NBC NEWS ANALYST: Hi, Rachel.

MADDOW: Good to see you.

Do you think Republicans are attempting to resurrect what they seem to be viewing as sort of the glory days of the Bush war on terror?

ALTER: Yes, you‘re absolutely right about that. They‘re romanticizing that, when the policy hasn‘t changed. You know, the root of the Christmas Day bombing was that there weren‘t enough people on the no-fly list. Who shortened the no-fly list? Bush at the end of his time in office.

[emphasis added]

Therein lies the root of the madness: Our nation has spent (or, rather, the Beltway types, the blogger types and the media types who can’t type) these Twelve Daze of Christmas collectively pissing ourselves over one incompetent would-be suicide bomber. You know, “the Christmas Day bombing.”

BUT THERE WASN’T ANY BOMBING! There was an ATTEMPT — and a pretty pathetic attempt at that.

But the “religious” fruitcakes that run the Über-macho hyper-zealous G[od's] O[wn] P[arty™] of the XXIst Century and their opponents (like Alter, wh0 makes good points in his madness) can’t tell the difference between an attempt and an actual ‘bombing’!

(Or, of course, have been spending less time with the “bombing” than with their favorite bong … getting “bombed.”)

GOP policy generator

There is a huge difference between a potentiality and an actuality, as anyone who’s ever sweated out a home pregnancy test can tell you. And, as the anti-abortion fruitcakes can’t tell the difference between a potential baby and an actual baby, so, too, Alter can’t tell the difference between a potential bombing and an actual bombing.

But policy is being MADE based on … what? A failed bombing attempt by a kind of pathetic would-be terrorist?

The way we “fight” terrorism is by insisting that the American people be … terrified? Of something that didn’t happen?

We’re chasing our own shadows here, folks.

I once knew an Afghan hound who was LITERALLY terrified by his own shadow, and he was the dumbest mammal I thought I’d ever met or WOULD meet. Now I’m not so sure.

These pseudo-macho paranoid bed-wetters can’t tell the difference between an attempted bombing and a REAL bombing. (I wonder if they make the same mistake in counting up their sexual conquests: persons they “hit” on versus persons they actually did sleep with? On second thought: never mind.) But Jonathan Alter of Newsweek somberly and soberly talks about the “Christmas bombing,” AS THOUGH IT HAD ACTUALLY HAPPENED!

And he’s not alone. This entire political firestorm has been over a HYPOTHETICAL bombing. A FAILED bombing. A NON-terrorist attack, since the attack was never carried out. A non-event.

Or, as Mr. Alter’s own Newsweek put it:

“… in the wake of the attempted underpants attack.”

You CANNOT make good policy when you can’t tell the difference between reality and projected fantasy.

Good policy DEMANDS that you live in the real damned world. That is WHY the Supreme Court of the United States WILL NOT rule on any hypothetical case of constitutionality. Wisely, the court has always demanded that an ACTUAL case of harm be shown, in order for them to agree to hear the appeal. You don’t rule on hypotheticals. At least in our courts.

But the rest of Washington D.C. and the dumbassosphere of the media aren’t so prissy. They’ll make policy based on whatever fantasy or science fiction tale that scared them into wetting their collective bed at night.

As I’ve harped on over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again: we have “framed” the entire 9-11 incident and its aftermath, and, therefore our proper RESPONSE, in an utterly bizarre, impractical, implausible, impossible, inane and insane manner:

The improper (and retrospectively criminal) justification for the invasion of Iraq and murder of 100,000 innocents because of the fantasy that Saddam Hussein was behind or partially behind 9-11.

The curious notion that we must “build” a nation-state in Afghanistan before we can leave with Nixon’s old “peace with honor.”

That there is one monolithic, homogeneous philosophy slash organization called “Al Qaeda” which can be attacked with armies and must be utterly destroyed, down to the last “jihadist” before we can sleep soundly in our beds, hugging teddy close to our empty bosoms.

That over half of this nation’s wealth should be spent on guns and ammunition (the “Defense” Department, you know) when anyone who budgeted that way for their personal home finances would probably be subject to involuntary commitment to a mental hospital, did they try it in the real world. *

[* Let's see: $1000 a month income: $350 for rent, $50 for utilities, and $100 for clothes, food, health care, books, movies, gasoline, etc. Oh, and $500 for locks, guns and ammo. Gotta be safe, after all.]

The GOP’s famed macho asswipes — you know, like Canadian Dr. Strangelove Charles “Chuckles” Krauthammer — have been operating on the implicit assumption that the President of the United States (when it’s convenient for them to assert that he’s legitimately to blame, albeit an illegitimate president) MUST KNOW WHERE EVERY SPARROW FALLS.

We’re holding the President of the United States to the standard … of God?

Who is it that “mocks” Obama as “the One”? Maybe they really DO believe it, if that’s their standard.

Seriously, this buffoon might have been “identifiable” in 20/20 hindsight, just like those Japanese fighters’ radar signature over Pearl harbor on December 7, 1941, but ONE guy entering a country of 300 million? Not bloody likely. But that’s a discussion for another day. Stuff has been being smuggled over the U.S. border for, oh, how old is the country? We can make you safer; nobody, except, maybe God, can make you SAFE. How come nobody is questioning the fundamental premises of this March To Totalitarianism that the “War on Terror” has become? That we have a PERFECT border, and can stop ALL threats to the homeland.*

(* The term “Homeland” still has a creepy, Gestapo feel to it, I have to admit. In all my years in the heartland, having been a scout and played high school ball, I never once heard the USA referred to as the “homeland.” There is something Orwellian in having defined a perpetual war against an invisible enemy to be fought in secret — and only “We” can tell you whether or not we’re winning, won, or might win sometime in the future. A big part of it is “secret” so just pony up the interest payments on the trillion dollar chargeoff to “Red” China that BushCo left us with, and keep your mouth shut. You leftist, you!)

Seriously. It’s that old Bible verse that God knows what’s the haps with every half-farthing sparrow. That none escape “his” notice. I’m more than happy to recollect their lost Sunday School Lesson FOR them:

Matthew 10: 26-31 (Jesus himself is speaking):

26 Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. 27 What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops. 28 And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. 30 But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.

Too bad they didn’t read the REST of the chapter in their psycho Bible study class. And, while I’m one of those horrible Buddhists who can’t help Tiger Woods like Jesus™ can (at least according to Brit[tle] Hume), even I can read the DON’T BE AFRAID parts.

Wait a minute. The National Anthem says “home of the brave,” and Jesus says FEAR NOT…

But our Über-Christian Hyper-patriots say: BE AFRAID. Be very VERY afraid!

Really?

Yes. For the whole Twelve Daze of Christmas. Here’s a “free” cartoon from Howie Rich’s “Liberty Features Syndicate” offering free “editorial content” as long as you print their propaganda. (AKA “editorial content.)

God forbid that anyone should mention the 1020 vacation days that
“war president” Bush took. This “tea party” cartoonist seems to have
come down with a mild case of rampaging ideological amnesia.

Oh. And Jonathan Alter can’t tell the difference between something that’s happened, and something that COULD have happened (but didn’t.) He’s by no means alone, or even in a minority. But …

THAT is something to be afraid of in a journalist.

(If there are any left.) Sing:

On the Twelfth day of Christmas my paranoid gave to me: twelve Qaedas conspiring, eleven bombers bombing, ten jihadis jihading, nine pundits pontificating, eight bloggers blaming, seven goobers googling, six Foxers faxing, five SCARY things! Four crawling Kurds, three henchmen, two faced Lieberman …

And a pantload of Homeland Security.

print by George Chase (click to buy)

Courage. (No, seriously: Courage.)

========================

UPDATE 3:00 PM PST:

Howie Rich’s ALG News Blog or whatever strikes again, to make my point:

… Didn’t anybody bother to mention to Obama what was transpiring while he hem-hawed in his hammock? Didn’t someone – anyone – tap him on his slumbering shoulder to mention the latest developments in a terrorist attack on American soil that nearly claimed 300 innocent lives? Didn’t one lonely aide (or maybe even the lithesome Michelle) clue him in on where the investigation stood on the, um, “suspected, alleged, isolated extremist”?

Won’t someone please give this stumbling, bumbling neophyte a wake-up call?

And if they do, maybe they could pass along this advice from Sergeant John Stryker’s alter ego, a God-fearing, America-loving gent named John Wayne:

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday.”

Unfortunately, in “Life’s a Beach” Obama’s case, probably not.

Carter Clews is the Executive Editor of ALG News.

The “lithesome Michelle”? (That’s kinda creepy-stalky. Worse, “lithesome” is the obsolete word that was replaced a long time ago by “lissome,” which has the advantage of a pronunciation that echoes the quality it portrays.

Proving, perhaps, that were there ever an oxymoronic name in politics, this Carter fellow has it. And, of course, who ever knew more about American politics than John Wayne? The “Duke,” who made “The Green Berets” with his own money, because he believed so much in that war?

“a terrorist attack on American soil that nearly claimed 300 innocent lives?“ has an equal validity to the hypothetical assertion that “Sarah Palin nearly became the Vice President of the United States.” Equally scary. Equally hyperbolic and fantastic.

Or, perhaps, “Dick Cheney nearly stopped working for Satan.”