You May Already Be A Wiener

[NOTE: More on the Chile tsunami when some clarity appears.]

I am to be congratulated.  I am a winner.

No Nigerian prince; no Congolese Oil Minister, no long-lost relative in Borneo kicking the bucket and leaving me as his sole heir. No dying gazillionaire on another continent with a terminal case of the guilts and a sincere desire to disperse his ill-got gains to avoid the screaming meemees of a burning Hereafter.

Look see!

Yes, I am the winner of the (Gasp!)…Quote:

Congratulations Hart**** ,

The Small Business Commerce Association (SBCA) is pleased to announce that Hart**** has been selected for the 2009 Best of Business Award in the Music Sales and Service category.

I’d like to thank all the little people who made this award possible: Kremlar, King of the Gnomes, Asterisk, the Punctuation Fairy, and, of course, I couldn’t have done it without my beautiful wife   …

But it gets better:

The SBCA Best of Business Award Program recognizes the best of small businesses throughout the country. Using consumer feedback and other research, the SBCA identifies companies that we believe have demonstrated what makes small businesses a vital part of the American economy. The selection committee chooses the award winners from nominees based off information taken from monthly surveys administered by the SBCA, a review of consumer rankings, and other consumer reports . Award winners are a valuable asset to their community and exemplify what makes small businesses great.

And I’d like to thank my agent, and Ron Scully at the Megatalent Agency, and our fantastic producer Bronko Bomeranian and his lovely wife Sue …

A copy of your press release is available on the SBCA awards website listed below. SBCA herby grants Hart**** a non-exclusive, revocable, license to use, copy, publish, stream, publicly display, reformat, excerpt, and distribute  this press release.

I’m gonna be in the newspapers! They’re gonna put me in the movies. They’re gonna make a big star outta me. And all I gots to do is act natcherally! I’m a wizard! I’m a true star!

If you desire, a 2009 Best of Business Award has been designed for your place of business and can be obtained by pressing the receive awards tab while retrieving your press release from the SBCA awards website. Additionally, a Web Logo proclaiming your 2009 Best of Business Award selection can be obtained through our website as well.

Be still my beating h(e)art. Here ’tis:

As an award winner, you have been assigned the following award code: *****.

This code may be used to redeem your award benefits by entering it into the SBCA Awards Claim page.  Or, alternatively, you may use the following link:

Award benefits! You mean there’s even more?

Only one catch. The corporation that I own was created for a specific project and has never been activated, owns no property and exists solely on paper.

So, they must have some pretty lax standards for music sales and service awards. Which seems odd, because this town is a musician’s paradise. Music stores everywhichaway and of every kind. If you need someone to make a specific bone part for your full size concert harp, we got it.

Or, if you need music, we got a zillion places to buy old vinyl and CDs. So, how did I do better than CD World (where I shop here in town, being old-fashioned, and wanting physical disks for my record/CD collection, and having a truly awesome selection to choose from, like Tower Records on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood used to have before it vanished, or Peaches on Hollywood Boulevard,  ditto.)

Tower in Hollywood on the Sunset Strip
(The Whisky-A-Go-Go is at the beginning
of the next block extreme left, same side).

Just as in writing, the online woods are populated with emotional vampires, willing to make a buck off your vanity. You’ve GOT to believe in yourself to be in business, and some wall plaque that anybody with, say twenty bucks, can make up for themselves isn’t much of anything. But if you THINK it’s for real, no price is too great. The wood plaque runs you $57.97. (The same plaque costs $8.50 if you want to design it yourself.)

The $57.97 Award. Buy lots! We’ll make more!

The crystal award runs a little more. Like, about double.

(You can get it here for $21.95.)

And, ironically, if you believe in fairies, clap. Clap and Tinkerbelle will come to life. There are fake awards on walls all over America that people don’t realize are fake, and are, therefore, REAL.

Because ultimately, any trophy, any award, any certificate is only a sort of concrete metaphor for achievement, and you either know that or you don’t.

Like any successful con, it depends on the vanity of the mark.

And, remember, here in late February, everybody is abuzz about awards and honors: Oscars, Tonys, Grammys. What better time to win a business award?

If you decide NOT to buy the awards, you can click to go to the next page, which instead says:

Web Package Information

[...]

Once again, congratulations on your 2009 Best of Business Award selection.

If you have not already ordered a physical award, you may order one now for display in your place of business. (Select Physical Award)

[Emphasis added]

Knowing in advance that I could not possibly have qualified for such an “achievement,” my only question is what database did they grab my corporation name from, and how can I warn others on that database list?

Of course, you can still get the FREE press release (Dated September 1, 2009. Hmmm):

And, of course, you are under no obligation to get conned.

Or, you may send an Opt-Out request to the following address:

Attn: Compliance Manager
Small Business Commerce Association
548 Market St # 35785
San Francisco, CA 94104, USA

After all the subject header DOES read:

Subject: **JUNK** Hart**** recognized as *** (CITY) Best of Business 2009

Nonetheless: you should congratulate me.

I won the:

• 2009 Best of Business Award in Music Sales and Service (for my city).

Huzzah!

Courage.

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