Hart Williams Presents #649

SPECIAL RACIST DUMBASS EDITION. We ought to know better than to judge a tabloid blog by its headlines. We ought to. But fortunately all the research time spent on one thing led to another and I don’t feel like it today. Too many loose ends to wrap up, too much running around town today, and, besides, when you see a headline like the first one, you’ve GOT to do a Hart Williams Presents — unless, of course, you aren’t Hart Williams, in which case you would do some other kind of Presents. Headlines! Headlines! Too bad no actual heads were involved. To witless:

Malkin gets a clue

HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE BLOGOSPHERE:

Breaking news: I am not white! Michelle Malkin

Well, sooner or later it HAD to come out. Wouldn’t you know it? She’s always the last to figure it out. Suddenly, her non-white presence in a virulently racist political party doesn’t quite seem the slam dunk it had been before. But that’s OK. They always need tokens, Michelle. I mean, really REALLY NEED tokens.

Some guy, Malkin, Hoft and Stacy McCain

Team Obama Calls Out Swat Team on Tea Party Patriots! Jim Hoft/Big Government, and
OBAMA & BIG SIS Call In Riot Police on Quincy Tea Party Patriots Jim Hoft/Gateway Pundit

Ah yes. The classic “I’m Rubber, You’re Glue” posting. The increasingly rabid, hyperbolically delusional Jim Hoft of his Mommy’s St. Louis basement turns his magic eyeballs to Illinois, where he “sees” Oberstgruppenfuhrer Obama and his Muslim Schutzstaffel calling out the SWAT troops on peaceful Tea Party “protesters” — dressed in colorful madras cotton prints and holding flowers — ending in an insane bloodbath, with the brains of peaceful, constitution-lovin’ patriots smeared and splattered across the green, green grass of a shattered spring morning.

Only one problem with this scenario (other than an admonition to lay off the angel dust and meth, paranoia IS a well-known side-effect): Tea Partiers don’t HAVE brains.

President Obama knows when you have earned enough money, by St. Louis Political Buzz Examiner*Jordan Harp

[* Note: The "Examiner" is a multi-city news blog written by local hacks, most of whom aren't clever enough to run their own blogs. It makes them look like "journalists" in precisely the same manner that sticking one's head through the hole in the painted cardboard prop-screen at the carnival photo booth made one look like "The World's Strongest Man."]

I guess they’re trying a limited franchise rollout of Magic Eyeballs™ in St. Louis this afternoon. Evidently, not content with calling out Storm Troopers to spill the blood of peaceful patriots, Oberstgruppenfuhrer Barack Obama and his Muslim Soothsayers now are encroaching on the Amazing Randi’s baliwick. Are NO hack psychics sacred? Oh, the humanity!

Why the Dodd Financial Services Bill Is Bad… For Democrats by Frank Luntz in The Huffington Post:

This has all the credibility of “Why beefsteaks are bad for you, by Elmer the Bull and Elsie the Cow.” I don’t know which is funnier, Republican propaganda-meister Luntz thinking that anyone is feeble-minded enough to believe him, or that the Huffington Post published this piece of unmitigated shite. Then again, too often, the Huffington Post is exactly one step above the “Examiner.”

Luntz Sells Soap

Republicans hope to win three symbolic Senate seats (Washington Post)

Next, they’ll be targeting the Model United Nations. And, if that works out, they have great hopes for their BIG case in Moot Court. Guess they need SOMEthing to do when Confederate History Month ends in two days. (Unless Haley Barbour made ANOTHER secret proclamation.)

Sen. DeMint: Obama manipulating, ‘thinks Americans are stupid’ (The Hill)

I don’t actually think that President Obama thinks Americans are stupid, but the jury IS pretty well in on Senator Jim “Waterloo” DeMint.

Cantor Afraid To Say Whether He’s For Or Against AZ Immigration Law (Think Progress)

Probably all those death threats and bullets fired at offices that nobody knew he had.

Crist Tries to Call Rahm Emanuel (The Weakly Standardud)

But Emanuel crossly rejoins that he’s only John the Baptist and Crist can’t spell so good anyhow.

In memoir, Laura Bush says she, husband may have been poisoned (CNN)

I’ve heard some lame excuses in my day, but claiming that the disaster of the Bush Administration is mitigated because the First Lady and her husband were dead from poisoning has to take the cake. (But have somebody TASTE it first.) Thank ghod they weren’t paranoids about, you know, WMD’s and mushroom clouds.

Fortunately, he was able to detoxify the poisons

Suntanned women to be arrested under Islamic dress code (Telegraph, UK)

Er, under the Islamic dress code, how the hell could you TELL whether a woman was suntanned? Don’t Iranian women already LOOK suntanned, to begin with? Oh, never mind sanity: we’re talking IRAN!!

Palin’s Debate Answers Were ‘Scripted’ (SkyNews from Planet Murdoch, UK)

And, in other breaking news, according to Rip van Winkle, crack Murdoch investigative journalist, indicates that Henry Ford is about to make an announcement about his mysterious new Dearborn, Michigan manufacturing plant. And Isaac Newton, a British scientist, has formulated an amazing hypothesis based on an apple that fell on his head.

And, finally, in one more contemporaneous story on Caribou Barbie:

Palin: Obama pushing racial ‘myth’ (Politico)

Gee. Having spent virtually her entire existence in a 97%+ lily-white racial environment, and, being a member of a holy-roller, speaking-in-tongues, exorcising black witches church for most of her life, do Sarah’s pronunciamentos on “race” really, REALLY carry a lot of weight outside of, say, MAD Magazine?

Oh. Wait. We’re talking Politico here.

Never mind.

And that’s the headlines to the news of the increasingly weird, here in the good old Yew Essay.

Courage.