Tucker Carlson is Keith Olbermann; I am Glenn Beck

prologue: Phaeton Falling

OK: for the latter portion, you should see the eponymous posting, “I Am Glenn Beck” (6 Sept. 2009) But for the former, look no further than Politico.com and the pathetic loser that Tucker Carlson has become. (Which is the obvious segué from Glenn Beck.)

We were looking for an August Barking Moonbat. Were.

You might recall that Carlson was the new “bow tie daddy” of the KKKonservative movement, the new face on CNN’s venerable “Crossfire” before Jon Stewart blew the show out of the water by speaking truth to power. Then, hanging on at CNN for awhile, he was fired, picked up by MSNBC, who fired him again, and, fronting for some KKKonservative deep pockets has a new “Big Time” blog called “The Daily Caller,” although, in fairness, I suppose that ANYone can misspell “cellar” and if their spell checker finds a legitimate word, miss their own error.

Tucker Carlson had been Phaeton falling through the media firmament ever since Stewart’s lightning bolt blasted Tucker from his chariot, and “The Daily Caller” is his latest stop in an arc, seemingly, leading to oblivion. Someone might have told Tucker that all careers rise and fall, that we all have times of plenty, and all know lean times.

But, instead, in a juvenile, nay, hebephrenic bid for attention, he has come up with a new pubicity stunt. From the ofttimes equally creepy Politico:

| 7/15/10 9:58 AM EDT

Battle has been kicked up a notch, as the Daily Caller has purchased http://www.KeithOlbermann.com. there’s been a bit of a feud taking place between MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and the Daily Caller, the website run by (former MSNBC’r) Tucker Carlson. [...] Olbermann has said Carlson has a “bow tie contained brain” and named Carlson among his “worst persons in the world” on several occasions. The Daily Caller has knocked Olbermann’s “ratings decline” and so on and so on.


But the battle has been kicked up a notch today, as the Daily Caller has purchased http://www.KeithOlbermann.com. The site, as you can imagine, directs readers to Daily Caller’s online offerings. “This is just the beginning of an online public service project,” Carlson told POLITICO. “We’ll be rolling out more in the coming weeks and months but I’d love to get your suggestions. Email me anytime at my personal address, keith@keitholbermann.com.”

Let me get this straight: You decided to buy Keith Olbermann.com? To harass him? Did you get your idea from that web registration commercial where the two geeks play one-upsmanship on domain names, ending with “I just did your mother,” as the passer-by looks on in horror, having just heard the last line? I mean, this is junior high school stuff, and generally gets the kid in the bow tie kicked off the school newspaper. Seriously. But, of course, par for the course in our debased age (perhaps the last gasp of the Kali Yuga):

Attributes of Kali Yuga (Wikipedia)

  • Avarice and wrath will be common. Humans will openly display animosity towards each other.
  • Ignorance of dharma will occur.
  • People will have thoughts of murder for no justification and they will see nothing wrong with that mind-set.
  • Lust will be viewed as socially acceptable, and sexual intercourse will be seen as the central requirement of life.
  • Sin will increase exponentially, whilst virtue will fade and cease to flourish.
  • People will take vows only to break them soon after.
  • People will become addicted to intoxicating drinks and drugs.
  • Men will find their jobs stressful and will go to retreats to escape their work.

It goes on from there in pretty much the same vein. But you get the idea. Tucker Carlson as a sign of the apocalypse? Sure, why not?

i. Junior High School Redux

In Tantric Buddhism, the emotions are called “the cage of monkeys,” the analogy being that the desires all scream like … a cage of monkeys. And whichever monkey is screaming the loudest gets the attention. Then he shuts up, and the next loudest monkey is dealt with until HE shuts up, and so on.

See no facts, hear no facts, speak no truth

It’s an apt description of American media, which has always been dominated by preening “look at ME!” types, of necessity and history. It’s called “getting a scoop” or “breaking a story,” but the gold standard for media has to be gaining that attention wherein the major media outlets are parroting and debating and commenting about your story.

The ethics range from a crusading editor who uplifts and improves the community and gets a park 0r a school named after him, to the William Randolph Hearst/Rupert Murdoch sleaze merchants who aim their coverage at whatever gets the rubes riled up. The original “war on drugs” began from a San Francisco Examiner series in which Evil Yellow Chinamen [EYCs] were kidnapping white women off the streets, getting them addicted to opium and selling them into “White Slavery,” which was the term for prostitution or, now, sex trafficking.

It sold a LOT of papers. It galvanized the rubes. Congress got on its high huffy horse and passed the 1914 Harrison Narcotics Tax Act. Theodore Roosevelt had already appointed the first-ever U.S. “Opium Commissioner” (Kinda like a “Drug Czar,” I think) in 1908, Dr. Hamilton Wright, who bought the story that Hearst was selling, as did Congress [emphasis added]:

On March 12, 1911, Dr. Wright was quoted in as follows in an article in the New York Times: “Of all the nations of the world, the United States consumes most habit-forming drugs per capita. Opium, the most pernicious drug known to humanity,* is surrounded, in this country, with far fewer safeguards than any other nation in Europe fences it with.” Wright further stated that “cocaine is often the direct incentive to the crime of rape by the Negroes of the South and other sections of the country,” even though there was no evidence to support this claim. Wright also stated that “one of the most unfortunate phases of smoking opium in this country is the large number of women who have become involved and were living as common-law wives or cohabitating with Chinese in the Chinatowns of our various cities“. [Note the EYCs -- HW]

[* Note: I think today "The Most Pernicious Drug Known To Humanity" is PCP, but I could be wrong. The last I heard, it might have been "Crank" (Methadrine), or maybe "Crack," (chemically altered Cocaine), but these things change all the time, and I can't keep up.]

How William Randolph Hearst got us into a war with Spain

And it wasn’t just Hearst bottling this mendacious brew. Others fell in line with THEIR own narcotics horror stories:

… on February 8, 1914 The New York Times published an article entitled “Negro Cocaine ‘Fiends’ Are New Southern Menace: Murder and Insanity Increasing Among Lower-Class Blacks” by Edward Huntington Williams which reported that Southern sheriffs had increased the caliber of their weapons from .32 to .38 to bring down Negroes under the effect of cocaine.

Later, Hearst admitted that it had all been made up.

Evil Dark Spaniards fondling our fair White Women!

So, when Tucker Carlson launched his “The Daily Caller” website as an ‘antidote’ to The Huffington Post (which itself had been launched as an antidote to The Drudge Report, which itself had been launched as an antidote to rational cognition), it was unsurprising that he would look for big “scoops” to roil the media. After all, he had a built-in echo chamber.

And the hits began to roll:

The first one was when Malkin-wannabe sleaze blogger Jim Treacher was hit by a car in Washington, D.C. and it was initially reported and implied for several news cycles that someone in the government had INTENTIONALLY been trying to murder Treacher for his being such a dangerous anti-government watchdog, or somesuch. It got quite a bit of play in the rightie blogosmear™ didn’t really go anywhere.

The second was just a couple of weeks ago, when “The Daily Caller” followed up on another blogger and released various private communications from David Weigel, and Weigel resigned from the Washington Post.

But it didn’t stick. MSNBC picked up Weigel as a political analyst and he got another gig. But this time there was a weirdly personal note to the “assassinate the journalist” campaign*: Tucker Carlson had asked to join Ezra Klein’s private email group “journolist” and had been turned down.

Typical Daily Caller editorial meeting

[* I had guessed that there was something in THAT spat that injected the personal into this spat, which is confirmed by that highly credible circle of jerks known as rightie bloggers, from Newsbusters “Exposing & Combating Liberal Media Bias” (Brent Bozell’s little gaggle of character assassins):

The Daily Caller criticizes Olbermann at least once a week, with reporter Ruth Graham regularly writing sarcastic critiques of his shows, a feature called “We watch because we’re paid to.”

According to Don Irvine of Accuracy in Media*, the spat betwixt Carlson and Olbermann began over the David Weigel scandal. Olbermann and The Daily Caller exchanged pithy insults on Twitter, each claiming that the other did not know what they were talking about with Olbermann additionally saying that Tucker Carlson’s “bowtie contained [his] brain.”]

[*Accuracy in Media is entangled with Bozell and others. SEE.]

Now, again, without as much play as hoped, the monkeys of The Daily Caller‘s cage squealed loudly, and jumped and threw feces and got the attention of a news cycle. (Sort of.) They had purchased KeithOlbermann.com.

And they screamed (like some junior high bully):

and your mother wears Army boots …

Carlson was QUOTED IN HIS OWN MAGAZINE in an anonymous  story bylined only “The Daily Caller,” essentially promoting a juvenile prank pulled BY the magazine, always an ethical mess if you profess to be a journalist, which Carlson at one point used to claim.

Carlson giggled that you could contact him at his personal email address, Keith@KeithOlbermann.com. Salon noted the hypocrisy of the attack (as did others) in a related “do as I say, not as I do” moment for the Tuckster:

Celebrities usually win domain-name disputes, especially if their names were registered for commercial purposes. Which means Keith Olbermann would likely prevail if he decided to take the Daily Caller to court.

But in a larger sense, Tucker Carlson would win, because then he would get to talk about how Keith Olbermann sued him. (In an even larger sense, the fact that we are talking about a Tucker Carlson stunt means we have all already lost.)

But what was psychologically horrific was the view into Tucker Carlson’s brain, of lower decibel, perhaps, than Mel Gibson’s infamous girlfriend rants, but no less unhinged. He — er, I mean “The Daily Caller” — attacks Keith Olbermann’s college education, repeating an old Ann Coulter (surely the most reliable of sources) slur that the Daily Caller has already inadvertently half-refuted ITSELF:

The former ESPN sportscaster is no stranger to controversy.  Right-wing personality and Cornell alumnus Ann Coulter accused Olbermann, who also claims to be a Cornell graduate, of never having graduated from the Ivy League institution.  “He always forgets to mention that he went to the school that offers classes in milking and bovine management,” wrote Coulter in a 2009 column.

“Olbermann’s incessant lying about having an ‘Ivy League education’ when he went to the non-Ivy League ag school at Cornell would be like a graduate of the Yale locksmithing school boasting about being a ‘Yale man,’” Coulter continued.

Coulter and her giant feet

OK: The facts came out after the smear. Olbermann attended the state portion of Cornell, which consists, essentially, of tuition. Same classes. Same professors. That portion is designated the “Agriculture School,” and is the genesis of the smear, but meaningless academically:

Olbermann enrolled at Cornell University at the age of 16. At college, Olbermann served as sports director for WVBR, a student-run commercial radio station in Ithaca. Olbermann graduated from Cornell in 1979 with a B.S. in communications arts.

Which is part of the curriculum in the Agriculture and Life Sciences school — which also includes degree programs in Applied Economics and Management, Biochemistry,Biological and Environmental Engineering, Ecology and Evolutionary Biology, Entomology, Microbiology, Molecular Biology and Genetics, Natural Resources, Neurobiology and Behavior and other disciplines that Ann Coulter undoubtedly sneers at as “aggie.” (One wonders why Coulter would be so dismissive of Entomological studies, since it applies so specifically to her, and her being such an unreconstructed narcissist and all.) The charge becomes particularly ludicrous in light of:

Cornell is one of two private land grant universities, and its seven undergraduate colleges include three state-supported statutory or contract colleges.


Although students are affiliated with their individual college or school, they may take courses in any of the colleges, provided they have fulfilled the course prerequisites.

Cornell hayseed, as envisioned by Coulter and Carlson

More embarrassing for “The Daily Caller,” they print a photograph at the TOP of the column (the Coulter smear is the last, gratuitous bit of projectile vomit ending the anonymous article) of Olbermann holding up his DEGREE when he neatly purée’d Coulter’s typically clueless smear.

The photo refutes the smear in its own article.
(The caption remains a sneer, however.)

For a bunch dedicated to “Exposing & Combating Liberal Media Bias” facts seem a strange terra incognita to them, or perhaps “facts” form a significant portion of that “bias,” so loudly asserted and so softly evidenced. (Or, perhaps their crania are terra cotta.)

Hanuman — the Vedantic  Monkey God — in terra cotta

But that wasn’t enough for Tucker and his “Daily Caller” — which, when you think about it, sounds like either a postman or a loan shark — no. They then dropped the second-hand “college” smear and went pure grade-school:

Tucker Carlson: Keith Olbermann’s ‘Despised at MSNBC…Most Disliked Person in Building’
By Noel Sheppard
Fri, 07/16/2010 – 09:57 ET

According to the Daily Caller’s Tucker Carlson, people that work for MSNBC hate Keith Olbermann.

“I’m not saying every person at MSNBC despises him but I would say he’s the most disliked person in the building by a factor of 10,” Carlson told Mediaite’s Steve Krakauer.*

As NewsBusters reported Thursday, the Daily Caller recently purchased KeithOlbermann.com…

[* Note the incestuous nature of the interlinking blogs The Daily Caller, Mediaite, Politico and NewsBusters. They cross-link and side-link, anything to drive their stories up the charts at Memeorandum. This is a wide-spread manipulation tactic of the rightie blogosmear™ often with any number of "you ought to read this" posts with links for the Memeorandum 'bots.]

Seriously. But what gets hilariously second grade in all of this is when Tucker Carlson claims that he’s above the garbage he’s shovelling out:

He’s despised at MSNBC…I’m not saying every person at MSNBC despises him but I would say he’s the most disliked person in the building by a factor of 10, and I would dare anybody who’s worked there to look me right in the eye and deny that...I don’t have any malice toward Olbermann. I feel sorry for him.

That’s what you call fundamentally oxymoronic — either a textbook example of an anti-tautology (something that is self-evidently false) or of schizophrenia. (And, the same blogs link to the same blogs, and so on and so forth.)

Olbermann announced Friday that he was taking a two week vacation, and, sure enough, the Orwellian Right put two and two together and came up with five, from the mild implication:

The vacation, which was announced for the first time on Twitter during Friday night’s Countdown, comes after a turbulent week for Olbermann – and not because of anything he did. Since Tucker Carlson’s purchase of KeithOlbermann.com and subsequent personal shots at the host during our podcast with him, Olbermann’s only public comments have been mild and he has not addressed the issue on his show.

To the Bizarro World Kerfluffy:

Keith Olbermann Takes Vacation after Daily Caller Prank
2010 JULY 18

Which is the SAME as the previous post, linking to the prior post from David Horowit(???!?)z’s NewsReal blog. And our old pals at NewsBlusterers had one up but TOOK it down. But NPR still has it archived:

The link now looks like this:

But I saved it. So here ’tis:

Keith Olbermann Suddenly Announces He’s Taking Next Two Weeks Off

By Noel Sheppard (Bio | Archive)
Sat, 07/17/2010 – 21:44 ET

UPDATE AT END OF POST: Olbermann responds with a vulgarity.

At the end of Friday’s “Countdown,” Keith Olbermann announced what will be considered good news to all the folks at MSNBC that despise him.

“I’m Keith Olbermann, taking a couple of weeks vacation off now. So we’ll see you whatever two weeks from today is.”

This came just moments after he told his small number of viewers:

That’s “Countdown” for June 28th — its not June 28th, is it? June 28th? It said June 28th up here. It’s July 16th, isn’t it? My goodness, I thought I was having another seizure.

Despite it likely not being a surprise to readers that Olbermann doesn’t know what day it is, that’s certainly a sign one needs some time off (video follows with transcript and commentary):

KEITH OLBERMANN, HOST: That`s “Countdown” for June 28th — it`s not June 28th, is it? June 28th? It said June 28th up here. It`s July 16th, isn`t it? My goodness, I thought I was having another seizure. Portions written by James Thurber.

It`s 2,633rd day since President Bush declared mission accomplished in Iraq, the 2,222nd day since he declared victory in Afghanistan, and the 88th day of the Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf.

Next, Rachel`s special report summarizing her trip to Afghanistan. I`m Keith Olbermann, taking a couple of weeks vacation off now. So we`ll see you whatever two weeks from today is. Good night and good luck.

It’s only July, and Olbermann’s taking another two weeks off?

This follows the three week leave of absence he took earlier in the year as he tended to his dying father.

Note: I guess tending your dying parent is supposed to be relaxing?

Alas, as Steve Krakauer noted Saturday, it was a tough week for the “Countdown” host:

The vacation, which was announced for the first time on Twitter during Friday night’s Countdown, comes after a turbulent week for Olbermann – and not because of anything he did. Since Tucker Carlson’s purchase of KeithOlbermann.com and subsequent personal shots at the host during our podcast with him, Olbermann’s only public comments have been mild and he has not addressed the issue on his show.

Oh. So he’s going to run and hide for two weeks. Makes you wonder if he’s going to be spending all that time in a bathtub:

Likely only his hairdresser and his psychiatrist know for sure.

Of course, we at NewsBusters sincerely wish Keith the best.

Although we always have a lot of fun noting the predictable missteps of his replacements — Krakauer says it’s going to be Lawrence O’Donnell — there’s really nobody we like lambasting more for his shoddy reporting on MSNBC than Olbermann.

After all, he makes it soooo easy.

*****Update: Shortly after this was posted, I comically asked on Twitter, “Does anyone think Olbermann will spend his entire 2 weeks off hiding in a bathtub?”

MSNBC’s hottest property responded:

RT @NoelSheppard Does anyone think @KeithOlbermann will spend his entire 2 weeks off hiding in a bathtub? //Only dipshits

Wow. He must REALLY need a vacation.

Is this the best MSNBC’s hottest property can do?

His employers at General Electric must be sooooo proud.

—Noel Sheppard is the Associate Editor of NewsBusters.

Hahaha. Noel Sheppard being upset by vulgarity? When his whole raison d’être is political vulgarity of the most scurrilous sort? PUHleeeeeeze.

Noel Sheppard isn’t a microencephalic thug.
He just plays one on the internet.

Note the dream logick from the original post: Mediaite merely notes the coincidence of the vacation and the Tucker Kerfuffle. David Horowitz REPRINTS a portion and then LINKS it, with the implicit “connection” made clear in the NEW headline (leaving just enough ambiguity for a lawsuit). Noel Sheppard quotes the SAME Mediaite story and makes it fer darn sure tootin’ that it was the Tucker Kerfuffle, and Olberman’s SOOOO flustered that he can’t even remember the date!

Ho ho! Aha! Gotcha! Vulgarity! (Etc. nonsense)

We have passed beyond the vale of reason, journalism and even gossip. We are at the level of your basic first grade food fight. Sure. Tucker’s not mad. Nosiree.

Tucker Carlson Meltdown?

Which does not enlighten, does not convince, does not even debate, but merely leaves the observer all Tuckered out.

But soft, I hear a segué:

The Daily Caller acquires KeithOlbermann.com
Published: 7:31 PM 07/14/2010
Updated: 5:06 PM 07/15/2010

The Daily Caller, one of the fastest-growing online media properties, announced today its acquisition of KeithOlbermann.com, expanding the company’s global reach into a new segment of the online political market. For more than six months The Daily Caller has been a recognized market leader in commentary about Keith Olbermann…

It’s MEANT to be witty and right wingy hilarious and all businessy, until you start looking at who is actually FUNDING The Daily Caller…

ii. More Fake Cowboys

Or, as he styles himself,
“The Man Atop the Horse”

Meet Foster Friess — a name that sounds a lot more like an ice-cream franchise than the GOP’s 14th Largest Contributor in 1996. But he isn’t and he was, respectively. He’s also the cash behind “The Daily Caller.”

(here’s, Part ii. of which you just saw the title: “” 23 July 2010.)



Read the series in order.

  1. Tucker Carlson is Keith Olbermann; I am Glenn Beck (18 July)
  2. More Fake Cowboys (23 July)
  3. The Biggest Foundation That You’ve Never Heard Of (1 Aug. )
  4. Following Foster’s Buddies’ Money (10 Aug.)
  5. Foster’s Dominionist Pals (13 Aug.)
  6. Rubber Baby Buggy Bunglers (18 Aug.)
  7. (12 Nov.)
  8. (Dec. 31, 2010)


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