Jumping The Shark

Yesterday’s post (“GOP – The Musical“) is a “Guest Voice” on my friend Joe Gandelman’s The Moderate Voice today — for which I thank him. I was a bit trepidatious that it might be too Dada for TMV’s readers, and the comments, perhaps, reflect this. One commenter felt that it “jumped the shark,” which seemed to me that he didn’t quite “get” it: my post was a perfectly rational NON-rational response to an increasingly PRE-rational political climate.

Today, MSNBC jumped the shark, by suspending Joe Scarborough for HIS campaign donations. Having kind of painted themselves into a corner with L’Affaire Olbermann, NBC chief Griffin was required to egalitarianesquely enforce a rule that had already basically been more an embarrassment than a matter of ethics. In that black hole of bureaucratese, “If I let you do it, I’ll have to let EVERYBODY do it” — so universally beloved by school principals – NBC finds itself the butt of jokes across the political spectrum — as bloggers find themselves trapped in the same reactionary cycle.

And, since I promised myself to catch up on the stack of e-mail and comments that courtesy requires a response to, I present, instead, the infamous 1984 interview with Mr. Stubbs, The self-proclaimed “thinking man’s teddy bear.”

THIS is what jumping the shark actually looks like:

‘I guess it takes a special kind of bear to last in hard core.’

Mr. Stubbs (center),
William Margold and Taija Rae
(writer: Mark Weiss)

SECRET STORY OF THE ORIGIN OF THE ORIGINAL MR. STUBBS

The “original” Mr. Stubbs was a creation of shared whimsy, if you will.

Bill Margold PLACED Mr. Stubbs in movies. Mark Weiss wrote Mr. Stubbs INTO movies, and had given Bill the original bear. I got myself tangled in the mythology somehow and put Stubbs into men’s magazines. The story below about his discovery is true. Some of the rest is “stretched.”

The late Mark Weiss was a very talented screenwriter … and chef. He was also a Type I diabetic, who passed away in 1992 of liver failure following a long set of kidney problems. Or the other way ’round. It doesn’t matter. The world lost a very funny and extremely talented writer. I miss him.

We wrote this on a legal pad at the dining room table one night when we were roommates at St. Andrews Place in Hollywood in the mid-1980s. Mark had his Smith-Corona with the ribbon “cartridges” set up most of the time, and had a thirty-foot headphone cord that ran to his stereo in the living room, to shut out the constant drone of traffic on Beverly Boulevard to the South and Western Avenue to the East. He’d built a window garden under the West window and grew his own basil, rosemary, and other spices.

I would write questions in character doing the standard Men’s Magazine interview, and pass the legal pad across the table, where Mark would channel Mr. Stubbs and before we knew it, we had the interview. I retyped it on my Royal typewriter and a couple of months later, stuck it into a brand new magazine that I was editing, called “Hot Times.”

When this ‘interview’ came out in HOT TIMES (distributed locally), the editor of ADAM FILM WORLD (distributed nationally) demanded that he be allowed to republish it in his magazine, although at the last minute, they ran out of room or some other art department calamity (I have never entirely understood the WHY of it), and, for whatever reason, the ‘writer’ was credited under the portmanteau pseudonym “Hart Weise” — misspelling Mark’s last name. Not our idea. I split the check with him, and it was his first publication, I think, in the slick men’s magazines. Mark was almost a pure screenwriter, to that point. Later he’d write for magazines and direct.

Mr. Stubbs continued to appear in XXX-rated videos, films and projects. You’d have to ask Margold which ones, though.

The final trivia? Mark Weiss wrote the screenplay for “Caught From Behind II” — the film that was busted by the LAPD, and Hal Freeman, its producer, being charged with “pandering,” which basically meant pimping, resulting in the legal case “People v. Freeman” which went to the California Supreme Court and resulted in the “legalization” of porn in California in 1988.

I wrote “Caught from Behind III” in 1986, when Hal was on the front pages for that bust, and getting ready to shoot ANOTHER one, anyway, and Bill Margold wrote the original “Caught From Behind” establishing the character of “Dr. Peter Proctor, the Anal Analyst.” (Played with his usual élan by Ron Jeremy.)

This is not Shakespeare stuff, but it is amusing in a pop- culture, fannish sort of Trivial-Pursuit-kind of manner.

Mr. Stubbs did not appear in any of the CFB series. Thank goodness. Musso & Franks was an old time Hollywood watering hole, taken over by porn producers in the 1980s, who liked to hang out there. The reference is a bit of an Industry “in-joke” for its day.

Mr. Stubbs … The Thinking Man’s Teddy Bear

An Interview

We met Mr. Stubbs at Musso & Frank’s on Hollywood Boulevard, where we sat at the bar, and chatted about his career. As perhaps the best-known teddy bear in XXX movies, Stubbs is outspoken in his opinions. He has appeared in at least 7 features and videos, and is fast becoming a fixture on the XXX circuit. Credits include: Sheer Delights, Hot Buns, Bent Over The Rent, Twilight Moan, Passionate Lee, Space Virgins, and Fantasy Factory.

HOT TIMES: Mr. Stubbs, you’ve worked with some of the biggest names in the business. Who was your favorite actress? ..

MR. STUBBS: Sherie St. Claire.

HT: Any special reason?

S: I tell you, I’ve been hugged a lot of times, but Sherie’s the best hugger I’ve ever come across.

HT: Wasn’t that in your spanking film?

S: Yes. Some folks thought that it was a little sick. They told me: “Don’t do it, Stubbo.” But you gotta try everything once. You got a cigarette? No, don’t give it to me. I’m trying to quit. Go on.

HT: You have some history of doing kinky films. Didn’t you appear in an anal film?

S: HOT BUNS is what you’re talking about. It was supposed to be.

HT: Supposed to be?

S: Well, there were a lot of problems on the set. Lee Carroll decided in the middle of shooting that she didn’t want to do anal. Bobby Bullock’s dick decided that it didn’t want to do anal. There were just too many tight assholes on the set. I mean, they knew it was anal going in.

HT: Isn’t there a history of bad feelings between you and Lee Carroll?

S: I don’t want to talk about it.

HT: We’ll move on.

S: Thank you.

HT: Now that you’re the best known teddy bear in hard core, isn’t it difficult for your family?

S: I have no memory of my family. I was found at a yard sale in Chicago wearing a Rams t-shirt. Everything before that is a blank.

All I know is that I was brought from Chicago to Los Angeles and lived in the back of Bill Margold’s van for a month until one day in August of 1983 I was given a part in a movie called “Sheer Delight“.

HT: You were wearing a Rams t-shirt?

S: That’s what I was told. They took it off and burned it. That’s when I came out of whatever blackout state I was in.

HT: Tell us about your latest film.

S: SPACE VIRGINS. Wonderful story. Kim Carson was a joy to be hugged by.

HT: What was Sharon Mitchell like to work with?

S: Mitch? Great. Great arms. Real energetic hugger. Not a bad actress, let me tell you. And boy, can she hug.

HT: Didn’t you do Bent Over The Rent after SPACE VIRGINS?

S: Oh, right. I was thinking hard-core. Bent Over The Rent is more fetish type stuff.

HT: Do you ever run into women with Teddy Bear fetishes?

S: God yes. It’s scary, too. I’ve had dozens of hug-crazy broads grabbing for any part of my body they could.

HT: Fans?

S: Were they my fans? Of course. I don’t understand it, but broads have this thing for stuffed, inanimate pseudo-animals.

(At this point, Stubbs borrows a Lucky Strike, and lights it).

HT: I thought you were trying to quit?

S: A bear’s gotta do what a bear’ gotta do. Let me buy you another drink, padre.

HT: Thanks.

S: Think nothing of it.

HT: You’re close to the top of the business now. What’s next for Mr. Stubbs?

S: Well, the only furry animal that’s worked more than me in the past year is Ron Jeremy. Just kidding. Seriously, I’m thinking of do ing my own line of films for my company, Bearly Decent Productions. Not video, though. I hate video.

HT: You have a lot of problems dancing around Hollywood egos?

S: Are you kidding? They don’t call me the “Bojangles” of porn for nothing. But seriously, the ones’ with the biggest egos are usually the ones with the smallest brains. We call it “Little Hollywood.”

HT: Do you feel you’re typecast?

S: No. Not at all. I have a lot of range. I can do a lot of things with this face.

HT: Wasn’t there some kind of accident with your nose?

S: You won’t lay off Lee Carroll, will you? All right. Yes, it’s true that she smashed my nose with her cunt. It was awful. She kept screaming’ ‘Suck my c***, Stubbo!” She was like a crazed animal. I still have nightmares about it.

HT: Why was it so terrible?

S: Look. I’m a bear. Bears have very sensitive noses. Have you every smelled a dead mackerel close up?

HT: No, we haven’t.

S: You’re lucky. Barkeep. A double. You want another?

HT: We’re still working on the last one. But thanks. We’d like to run some names by you, and you give us your thoughts on them. Gina Valentino.

S: I love Roz. That’s her real name, Roz. She’s cute. Delicate hugger. Arms are a little short, but she has nice breasts so it’s okay.

HT: Rose Marie.

S: Did she hug me? I don’t remember. I saw her on the set. Nice arms.

HT: Bill Margold.

S: Depraved sex fiend. No, just kidding. He gave me a shot. I owe it all to Bill. If only he weren’t soooo sleazy.

HT: Karen Summers.

S: Hairy arms. I like hairy arms. Saw her ass once. If I were into asses, I’d think hers was great.

HT: Kim Carson.

S: I’m secretly in love with Kim. She’s the best actress I’ve ever worked with. And one hell of a hugger. If I could live on any bed in the world, I’d like to live on hers. I want to be Kim’s teddy bear.

HT: Tori Welles.

S: Great little hugger. Wonderful arms.

HT: Amber Lynn.

S: Don’t remember her too much. She didn’t pay too much attention to me.

HT: Bunny Bleu.

S: I thought she was a teddy bear, honest. She’s so cute and huggable. I think she should learn to spell her name right. This is America, not France.

HT: Gina Carrera.

S: Slept with me in the back of the van on the way home after shooting SPACE VIRGINS. Good hugger, very warm. Nice soft breasts. Lots of cushion.

HT: What about the other teddy bears in the business?

S: Don’t know most of them. Usually, one shot and they’re gone. They don’t build up any great body of work.

I did work with my friends Frodo and Huzzah Bear in Adele Robbins’ Fantasy Factory. Frodo came with me from Chicago. He’s my best friend. Tigr to my Sharon Mitchell, you might say. Frodo & Huzzah didn’t like doing core. Naked bodies frighten them. They retired.

I guess it takes a special kind of bear to last in hard core.

HT: Do you have any heroes?

S: Just one. John Wayne: The Duke. He was the best. Sorry, but can I bum another cigarette? I usually smoke Luckys anyway. Thanks.

HT: How would you like to be remembered?

S: I don’t know. That’s a hard one. I wanna be remembered as a pioneer. The bear that opened up hard core to other plush animals. (He pauses, finishing his double bourbon) I’d like to be remembered as the thinking man’s teddy bear.

HT: Thank you Mr. Stubbs.

S: S’okay.

© 1985 Mark Weiss and Hart Williams

Originally Appeared in HOT TIMES; Vol. 1 No. 2, January 1985, Special Las Vegas CES issue — also appeared (somewhat Bowlderized) in ADAM FILM WORLD, 7/85 Issue

fin

Shark jumped.

But this epilogue: When I met Tori Welles in January of 2002 at Showgirl Video of Las Vegas, Nevada’s Legends of Erotica Hall of Fame induction, we realized that we’d been in the business at the same time but had never met.

Tori Welles in 2002

Tori knew Mark well, though, and we “got” our connection when she said, “Mark did this amazing interview with a teddy bear, and said what a good hugger I was.” She was very proud of this.

Which is what I have always noticed, covering the waterfront: stories get compressed, twisted a little out of skew and take on a “magical reality” of their own. (See “Autobiography of a Meme.”)

I told her the actual story, and then she told me a story of what a sweet soul Mark Weiss was:

When she had become pregnant and left The Industry to become a mother, and fade back into self-chosen anonymity, Mark had obtained yarn and knitting needles, learned to knit, and made her child-to-be a blanket. The baby had slept with that blanket until it wore out, she said.

And hugged me.

Stubbs was right. She is a good hugger.

Mark is remembered fondly by we who knew him.