101st Chairborne Secures Beachhead, Moves Inland

P-DAY PLUS 4

Dateline Wingnuttia: Forces commanded by General Andrew “Disaster” Breitbat have secured the rhetorical beach head of Operation Weiner Joke, and have begun moving relentlessly inland, aided by Fourth Columnists from “journalism” and assisted by a clueless uprising of tabloidist partisans secreted throughout the land.

US Credit default? Meaningless. The end of the space shuttle program? Ho hum. Andrew Weiner’s alleged penis?

Government workers attempt to get this stone column up

Call out the marines! Ring the church bells! Arouse the citizenry! The prepuces are coming! The prepuces are coming!

We want to know what the congressman tweeted, and when!

Why?

Because, when something is carefully timed for a Memorial Day weekend release, and carefully nurtured by the flying monkey brigades of the “MEETOO!” Rightie Wingnuttosphere all weekend, and the eternally comatose national media stirs on Tuesday and Wednesday with a “what’s all this then?” you can bet that not ONE of the retarded* bastards will ask:

[*No offense to actual "retards" -- whose PC nomenclature I forget -- who would be, I am certain, deeply offended by rightie smear jobs, like the "Joe Biden Locked Reporter In Closet!" kerfuffle of a few weeks past who very nearly swallowed the coordinated smear that the selfsame jackals currently pushing the "Weinergate" meme tried similarly to push to national page one -- until it embarrassingly collapsed, as the reporter in question wrote a column to  DENY the veracity of the Collective Vapors and attest to its fundamental batshitcraziness.]

You can bet that NOT ONE of the retarded* bastards will ask:

Wait a minnit!? WHO the fuck is Publius?

Who is Publius?

Publius is the “blogger” on Andrew Breitbart’s website who POSTED the original photograph and “broke” the story.

And who is that?

I mean, when an organization (Breaitbat) has been caught at intentional smear-and-destroy operations like this before, you have to ask WHO is behind this. Consider the intentional destruction of ACORN, using doctored James O’Keefe videotapes; the attack on National Public Radio via a couple fake “donors” and a taped dinner conversation; the attack on Planned Parenthood using, again, secret, edited videotapes, and the attempted James O’Keefe bugging of Louisiana Senator Mary Landreau’s offices, only a purblind nitwit would fail to ask WHO THE FUCK IS THE ANONYMOUS BLOGGER “Publius”?

Come on. A brain-damaged turnip could do THAT much analysis.

The flying monkey corps of the 101st Chairborne instead had the PERFECT fodder, and proceeded to track down and harass the supposed “recipient” of the infamous Twitter photograph. Her name, face, and internet accounts were all exposed within hours of the Publius “story.”

But no one asks who Publius is? What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, of course, and if ANYbody deserves to have their privacy rudely ripped from their body, like the bodice in any historical romance novel, it’s Publius.

But no. The prospect of “penis” jokes mesmerizes our national echo chamber, and THE journalistic question of the day has been (I swear to god it’s the truth, scout’s honor): “Was that your penis, Congressman Weiner?” Which has now led to an orgy of “WHY WON’T HE CONFIRM OR DENY?” analyses by the Usual Drunken Suspects.

Our economy is melting down. A gang of anarcho-capitalist thugs is holding the country’s finances hostage. The same speculators who brought down the housing market are sucking the country white through oil futures (as much as $1 dollar a gallon from pure futures gambling). We are in two wars. We are in deep shit.

But this celebrity penis story is now the IMPORTANT News of The Moment.

Be happy that I am not God Almighty, because I would, at this point determine that this was a race too stupid to live, and scrub the slate clean to start again with chipmunks, or, perhaps some form of parrot.

But who is Publius?

That’s a damned good and important question. Maybe if his internet handle was “Penius” there would be some interest.

Which brings us to:

Penile Interlude

I used to write a gossip column for Adult Cinema Review under the (forced on me) nom de plume of “Helen Bed.”

And, while I didn’t win any friends or influence people with it, I remember writing a story about the AMAZING NEW SENSATION, “Dick Rambone” who had a 4,000 inch penis, or some forgotten statistics. There was a “media” firestorm about it, as producers released press releases to compliant, lazy porn magazine writers, who would slightly edit the copy, and drop in entire paragraphs from the press release about this AMAZING SENSATION.

Later, he would sign an “exclusive” contract, and thence vanish for reasons I will explain later.

What I wrote was approximately this: What is it with all these GUYS suddenly obsessed and excited about the size of another man’s PENIS??!?

Not a single porn actress I knew (and I and my roommate Mark Weiss were “telephone buddies” with quite a number) thought it was anything other than kind of laughable. In fact, my little “observation” came from a phone conversation I had with an actress who thought it was the funniest thing ever — all these posturing, macho, “Libertarian” entrepreneurs and their endless, bumbling self-promotion and heterosexual arrogance obsessed and talking about some other guy’s dick.

She thought it was hilarious and so did I.

I wrote about it, and a lot of “macho” entrepreneurs said very bad things about me behind my back, which, in a media petrie dish as small as the Hollywood porn community was, was impossible to actually say behind my back. Word got back to me. Duh.

My Tibetan teacher said something about “penis” one day, and the class tittered.

And he stopped and asked us to grow up. Seriously. “Listen,” he said, “you don’t laugh when I say ‘earlobe’ do you?”

Every man has a penis. Every woman has a vagina. Grow up and get on with it, because clearly you have “issues” with your reproductive organs, and that’s childish. If you can’t be comfortable with your body, where CAN you be comfortable? he wondered (I am paraphrasing mightily here.)

But the entire national dialogue has been reduced to Beavis and Butthead sniggering, and if you don’t believe me (or find a bunch of unapologetically heterosexual male writers obsessing about someone’s penis in tightie whities just as funny as my actress friend did — and she’d done sex scenes with John Holmes), then take a gander at some of these:

• The Right Scoop: Weiner not sure if it was his wiener
• Robert Stacy McCain / The Other McCain:
  All the Weiner You Can Handle: Why MSM Can’t Ignore This Scandal Now — Thanks to Tim Daniel at Left Coast Rebel for locating this video of Luke Russert’s devastating interview with Rep. Anthony Weiner: — Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
• Jane Jamison / UNCOVERAGE.net: Weiner says it Might be his Wiener, but HE didn’t Tweet it? Oh……
• T. Christopher / REPUBLICAN REDEFINED: Weiner, Weiner, Weiner… “Can’t Say With Certitude” That Photo Wasn’t Him
• Aaron Worthing / Patterico’s Pontifications: I Swear, I Didn’t Want to Post on Weinergate Again (Update: Weiner Gets Creepy with Emily Miller and Even More Video)
• Left Coast Rebel: “When your name is Wiener, people make jokes about your name…so I’m pleased to get firm”
• Jon Healey / Opinion L.A.: Anthony Weiner: No photographic memory of his underwear drawer

And, of course, this columnist, for which the term “penis envy” was, evidently coined:

• Ann Coulter* / Human Events:
  Weiner’s Penis Photo Dispute To Be Settled In Small Claims Court — Sometimes I wonder if Rep. Anthony Weiner, D-N.Y., is too nice for his own good. — An evil swine hacks into Weiner’s Twitter account and posts an embarrassing photo of spindly legs topped by a small erect penis draped …

[* NOTE: In a possibly-related Coulter story, the Washington Post reports ‘Worms from hell’ unearth possibilities for extraterrestrial life.]

Ho ho ho. Some kind of “sophisticated” analysis. And, of course, leave it to Ann Coulter to come up with the ugliest slur of all. After all, it’s what she does best, without ever being held accountable. Her book literally demonizing the opposition drops this week.

At the grave 0f her role model

Oh, and Dick Rambone? He couldn’t get it up. Most of his films (including one I wrote with a U Cal Berkeley English professor who was staying for the weekend called “Angels of Mercy” ) consisted of his literal choking of his chicken with both hammy hands, while he inserted the remaining four or five inches into the orifice in question. A net loss of one to two inches from average, actresses informed me, or, put another way, all the penis in the world is useless if you can’t get it up for the camera.

Contrary to propaganda, penis size is meaningful almost exclusively to guys and not to gals, as the legendary actresses of the 1970s and early 1980s informed me, without a single, solitary dissenting opinion. You won’t believe me, but there it is. All those “bigger” commercials for balms, pills and machines are just a way to separate you from your gullible cash.

Anthony Weiner has a penis. The photo in question is of someone with a penis. That doesn’t narrow to any sort of answer, forensically, and you really need to come to peace and terms with penii, generally and specifically and lay off the dick jokes a lot more. Somehow I would imagine that someone named “Weiner” has heard them all and there’s not a goddam witty thing that YOU can add to the “conversation.”

But, were it not “penis” it wouldn’t carry the gleeful puritan pornography cachet that it does. It would be as limp a story as Rambone.

Onward.

The 101st Chairborne Moves Inland

We only need to go back to Weekly Standard editor Michael Goldfarb’s 2007 called-for and enabled blog swarm attacking the New Republic for publishing stories of what was REALLY going on in Iraq, managing to “out” and publicly and militarily humiliate Scott Thomas Beauchamp to see how this works…

(part two will drop tomorrow.)

Courage.