2012 – The Twinkiepocalypse

James Alexander Dewar, creator of the Twinkie, must surely stir in his Eternal Rest.

According to the John Galt benefactors of humanity who run Hostess (Twinkies, Dolly Madison, Ding dongs, Wonder Bread, ad nauseum, literally), their business decisions are not to blame for shutting down the company — 18,500 workers, 33 bakeries, fleets of trucks, etc. etc. — it’s those gosh-darned moocher workers. It’s a scene right out of any Ayn Rand novel:

Twinkies Maker Hostess Going Out of Business, CEO Blames Union Strike
“It’s over.  This is it,” Gregory Rayburn tells “Today.”  —  Hostess, the makers of Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Wonder Bread, is going out of business after striking workers failed to heed a Thursday deadline to return to work, the company said.

Because, as we all know, workers have their boots on the throat of entrepreneurs in America, and poor people caused the mortgage collapse, and illegal immigrants FORCE white businessmen to hire them at slave wages and fire their American workers.

I will not attempt to outstrip the spirited debate sure to ensue on Faux Nooz about how “restructuring expert” Rayburn was whipsawed by all those clever Twinkie bakers and their wily Dolly Madison allies. It’s sure to be as intellectually nutritious as was Wonder (bubble) Bread “Helps Build Strong Bodies 12 Ways!”

Hostess said that production at about a dozen of the company’s 33 plants had been seriously affected by the strike. Three plants were closed earlier this week.

The privately held company filed for Chapter 11 protection in January, its second trip through bankruptcy court in less than a decade. The company cited increasing pension and medical costs for employees as one of the drivers behind its latest filing. Hostess had argued that workers must make concessions for it to exit bankruptcy and improve its financial position.

The company, founded in 1930, was fighting battles beyond labor costs, however. Competition is increasing in the snack space and Americans are increasingly conscious about healthy eating. Hostess also makes Dolly Madison, Drake’s and Nature’s Pride snacks.

what you’ll be missing

But the Twinkiepocalypse predicted in The Book of Heaviousities is surely upon us.

Mark your calendars.


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2 responses to “2012 – The Twinkiepocalypse

  1. I can’t entirely believe that we’ve seen the last of Twinkies and Wonder Bread. Corps like that just just shrug, say ‘we’ve had enough of you’, and sh!tcan an iconic set of American brands like that.

    I’m with those who see this as a way to shuck the (sarcasm) unbearable burden of Unionized workers (/sarcasm). I’ll bet (though I’m no prognosticator, but I gotta go with my American-sized gut here) that we’ll see Twinkies back on the shelves soon enough, under brand new, American-values-based, true-blue, non-unionized stewards.

    But since America (including me) are eating less of those than ever, maybe it won’t survive too long that way, either.

    • Oh, Twinkies are famous, and in America, that’s all that counts. They’ll auction off all the brands, liquidate and some venture capitalists will pocket nice fat checks. The election at least taught us about that.