What’s the Matter with Kansas?

UPDATED BELOW

According to BuzzFeed and PornHub, Kansas watches the most porn in the land.

porn states ranked

They want to make various idiotic points about this that hold no journalistic water, and, as a result, are TOTALLY within BuzzFeed’s usual reporting penumbra — emphasis on ‘numb.’

Who Watches More Porn: Republicans Or Democrats?
Let’s take a look at the body politic, shall we? Turns out that porn is a highly accurate predictor of presidential politics.

posted on April 11, 2014 at 11:23am EDT
by Ryan Broderick
BuzzFeed Staff

Pornhub’s data team split the country into red and blue states—based on the 2012 election—and then took the total number of pages viewed per state and divided that by the population….

It is NOT “highly accurate.” In fact, it’s a journalistic abomination. Over one third of voters are now “independents” (a term meaning “I’m so stupid that I ace myself out of voting in primaries, where candidates are actually chosen, and I can have the most effect”) and, as a result, the whole conceit is intellectually bankrupt.  But …

(A value, coincidentally, that neatly dovetails into the unspoken activity which forms the true subject of the article.)

phuck phred

A popular Kansas bumper sticker, laid to rest last week

The rankings have an accuracy as raw data, and the most important thing that I see in that chart is the prodigious DISTANCE by which Kansas leads all competitors. Therefore:

I know not what others may say or do, but I’d like to say something heartfelt and important to the citizens of the Sunflower State™. Kansas?

hustler-may-80

I wrote or rewrote virtually every word
in this issue, save the photo shoot captions

You’re welcome.

Adult Cinema Review

Contributing editor: Moi

Courage.

UPDATE 3:43 AM PDT 13 April 2014:  The perspicacious reader has noted that the list begins with Kansas at 192 and ends with Arkansas at a mere 77.

What is it, one wonders, that causes the near complete shutdown of that Kansan erotomania with the addition to the spelling  of Kansas of the prefix ‘Ar-’ ?

What secret and terrible anti-erotic power does this syllable ‘ar-‘ represent? Is it perhaps some ancient pirate gene? The magnetic effect of a linking verb on a proper noun? Some ancient Shawnee cursing transformation? Surely the spelling must have a profound effect. At least I believe it, and belief is sufficient to make anything so. Faux Nooz™ has taught me that.

And 192 is getting to three times 77.

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2 responses to “What’s the Matter with Kansas?

  1. I have read that the Kansas number reflects the middle of the country where IP addresses of anomalies are routed.